Thursday, 28 May 2015


Bikinis aren't my thing (unless we're talking Bikini Kill, because I'm obvs down with that). See, I don't tend to lounge in a swimsuit. I'm either fully dressed and exploring or actually swimming.

I also have boobs. And a butt. Therefore, teeny triangles of fabric aren't going to cut it.

Even swimsuits that have seemed sturdy and reliable in the past have failed me. There was the one-strap one-piece that looked good on but invariably showed off more arse than I was comfortable with once I started moving. Worst of all, that lack of strap led to an unfortunate incident involving a nip slip that my little brother swears has scarred him for life. Ugh. As if I don't embarrass myself enough as it is.

Then there was the high-waisted bikini from American Apparel that I thought had cured my hatred of bikinis but is so complicated to put on that I haven't worn it in years. And then there was the one-piece with cut-outs that looked cute and innocuous with bows on the hips. On the almost entirely curveless mannequin, it looked sweet. When I walked past a window at the pool while wearing it, I came to realise that on a real body it was almost obscene.

Don't even get me started on string ties or entirely strapless swimsuits...

I mean, why are so many swimsuits and bikinis so poorly designed? Why are there so few options that exist somewhere between hideously frumpy and basically naked?

At this stage, I've come to the conclusion, that for me, at least, it's going to be one-pieces all the way from now on. I just feel more at home in them. So, if you have any of the same qualms as me, here's a list of guidelines I've devised to prevent repeats of my past horror stories and some examples that I think are pretty darn cute.

1. Don't go white if you're actually swimming. Trust me - transparency is not your friend.

2. Strapless + boobs = a serious no-go.

3. Cut-out placement should be carefully monitored as torsos are different warned.

4. If you think you've found a good one, make sure to take note of the leg-holes. You might be down for it but, if not, be wary of Baywatch-style suits that can go from risqué to risky.

5. While we're talking nether regions (obviously), just check out the butt of suits. Is there enough fabric there for your liking or is it skimpier than you'd prefer?

6. Complexity isn't fun on the beach. If something requires careful placement or takes ages to put on, you may want to forego it.

7. Don't expect a swimsuit to do miracles. It's the sad truth but no matter how cute it is, you're not going to transform. Things you didn't like about yourself will remain. You either have to learn to live with and accept and try to like those things or change them.

8. Get your sizes right or don't buy. Seriously, even on sale. It's not a saving if you realise you can't wear the damned thing.

9. Maybe invest? Sadly, I've noticed that swimsuit selections are waaayyy better when more money is involved. High-end particularly. And, if you don't get to swim that often, maybe an investment in something you would wear for years is better than ten you never even look at. I have a tankini from far too long ago that still gets cracked out on a regular basis.

10. And, hey, if you like it, fuck what anyone else thinks. Fuck my rules/tips/whatever the hell these are. You do you.

Of course, feel free to disregard everything I've said, they are merely lessons I have learned over the years. All I'm saying is, don't go crazy because something is cute. It might not be right for you and if you have to put on your body and don't want to feel shit about it, it may be best to stop and think for a couple seconds first.

One Piece

Here, we've got a few good options.

1. Heatons, Floral swimsuit, €18

Underwire? Check. Not too skimpy in the crotch areas? Check. Cute as heck/dupe for Dolce? Double check. Also, this is a serious bargain.

2. Cos, Black reversible swimsuit, €55

Thick straps, streamline, minimal and chic and a two-in-one. Basically a classic without looking too much like you stole your grandmother's swimsuit.

3. Batoko, Watermelon swimsuit, €39

Cute, playful, good coverage. The one-piece option for someone who still wants to look fresh and young.

4. Modcloth, Sailor swimsuit, €87

Retro, great on the curves and adorable. A little more pricey but think of the serious Marilyn vibes you'd be giving of, ne?

(Click on the smaller images to shop items.)

So, yeah, that turned into a bit of a rant but I find swimsuits and swimsuit shopping rather a stressful thing. How about you guys?


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