At the beginning of May, I was slumped in exhaustion. My diary accounts for the first two days are merely a lot of the letter "z" spread out across some otherwise empty pages. Over the May Bank Holiday weekend I napped two days in a row, an incredibly unusual thing for me as I sleep so poorly, in general, and have napped during the day perhaps twelve times since the age of three or four.
Yet, by Wednesday, I was already going to a gig with friends and had plans for the following three evenings. Sadly, I have no photos from the gig as I've been having trouble getting my camera out around others. I've mentioned before that I stopped photographing everything last year in an attempt to live more "in the moment" but, by the beginning of this year, I realised I direly missed it and that it was something that brought me great happiness and fulfillment. While I am never without a camera once more, I managed to lose the ease with which I used to record moments with my loved ones in those camera-less months. Now, I feel as if the act of taking out my camera and pointing it towards our shared joys is so awkward and clumsy, that I make people uncomfortable and, more often than not, don't bother. It is only later that I realise it would have been nice to have images of the laughter and smiles. And so, I have no photographs of that gig or the people I went with.
The next evening I went to Flormar's first birthday, which was in the crypt of Christ Church Cathedral and featured hip catering, cocktails, nail art and a performance by Alesha Dixon. It was fun but, perhaps, the event that best summarised how surreal blog events and blogging can be. Once again, however, exhaustion set in and I ended up bailing on a nightclub launch the following day.
Over the rest of the month I went to see works by Da Vinci IRL for the first time in my life with two great friends of mine, went for dinner with friends on multiple occasions, found a bar we want to make our regular, spent lazy weekends at home playing tennis with my dad and hanging out with my parents, enjoyed the reappearance of the sun, read three novels, went to the cinema thrice, got called up for jury duty and lamented the loss of my childhood, felt snubbed by family, consoled a friend, survived a sibling's exam stress, tried to get my sleeping pattern under control to no avail, battled imperfect skin, met kindred souls who discussed said battle at a launch, went to a conference and learned new skills, felt my heart drop in terror and reconnected with people I thought I would never be close to again.
It was a month of serious ups and downs. A month in which it seemed as if not much happened but where a lot of very emotional moments were had behind closed doors, between lines and in eye contact with the people who matter most to me. And it all made me realise that, as much as I may feel utterly alone at times, I am surrounded by people who will do anything for each other.
I don't have images of a lot of the formative moments from the past month, instead I have pictures of things that looked pretty or that made me happy; sunsets, food, beer on a night out, my puppy, clear skies and the beauty of Dublin. I present just these images here, not to ignore the bad or negative or hard moments, not to pretend my life is perfect or easy but because even if a loved one's pain makes my heart ache too, it is not mine to record, because even if plans have fallen apart and I find myself alone, I nearly always relish the freedom and simple joys of being independent and an adult and because even when things are hard, I am loved and supported.
So, yes, I'm going to be a little bit Renoir and focus on the beautiful things in life.