I Bought My First Bikini* - Why That Matters And Why It Doesn't

(*in a long damn time)

A few months ago, when talking to my best friend about my fitness journey, I casually noted that I previously had been deeply ashamed of my body and I saw her sharp intake of breath in shock and her eyes fill up with utter sadness and hurt. I thought nothing of hating myself but she, being one of the people who loves me most, was incredibly pained by the cavalier way in which I talked about being cruel to her best friend. It gave me pause to acknowledge how fucked up my way of thinking had been and made me love her a little more for how much my suffering clearly affected her. I mean, obviously, I already loved her but the people who cry for your pain as if it is their own are the real keepers in life; remember this.

In many ways, when I started out with tackling my on-going issues with how I looked, I was going about, and thinking about, things in completely the wrong way. My value systems were completely messed up and favoured aesthetics and societal pressure over taking care of the only vessel I have, or will ever have, to occupy in this life. As time went on and I moved on from eating slightly better and walking home from work everyday, to mild exercise, to being able to run 5km in under thirty minutes, to running and doing circuits multiple times a week, I felt my body change. Firstly, my anxiety chilled the fuck out in a serious way. Then I felt more energetic. Then I noticed muscles I never knew I had. Everything got easier. I was fit for the first time since I was an actual child and it all became about being fit, about being strong, about being able to do all the things I wanted to do, and about being healthy and investing in myself and some longevity. 

However, it's not like I suddenly forgot all about wanting to look different and I'd be lying if I didn't enjoy the reappearance of my cheekbones, my clothes fitting better, and not having to worry about people seeing the hidden shame that I felt my torso to be. But that was all just a bonus. What did really change was how I weighted the importance of, and how much less brain space I devoted to, worrying about how my body looks. I still don't have a "perfect" body and do you know what? I don't give a shit. I recently went running with my dad on the roads around our family home and as I am pretty much an (less determined, less innately kind, less good) exact little replica of him, I'm also a serious sweater when I exercise. So, as it was a hot day, I (me, yes, me) went running in public in a (double-layer because my tits came in real strong at 13) sports bra and leggings. I didn't cover up with a baggy hoody. I knew that I still have some belly fat that I'm self-conscious about, that won't budge, and, yet, loves to jiggle around, but I said, "Screw it." I don't owe it to anyone, including myself, to have a "perfect" body. Pretty much everyone else but me cares very little about how "perfect" my body is. And it was hot and I sweat a lot. So, fuck it.

In a similar vein, I recently bought my first bikini since that one time in college I had an aneurism and I thought that the high-waisted bikini sets advertised so appealingly in American Apparel would make me suddenly skinny and hide my multitude of sins with their high-waistedness. Spoiler: They did not. And so the suit was relegated to the bottom of my bra drawer. Since then, I have worn one-piece suits exclusively and felt very uncomfortable even with their relative and comparative amount of cover/protection/safety blanket. As a person that partially defines themselves by their sense of style, clothes have always been a shield but swimsuits have not allowed me to make the edits and flourishes with my body where I want to. Swimsuits don't play by the regular rules of the game of hide and reveal of clothes. But now, now that I care less about owing it to others or myself to look a certain way, and now that I am proud of how I have honed my body through time and sweat and commitment, and now that I don't feel the desperate need to hide myself like some dirty secret, I bit the bullet and thought I'd try it one more time. I still got something simple, functional, made out of recycled polyester and made for swimming and climbing and jumping and not just posing but it bears a flash of very noticeable shocking whiter-than-white Irish skin around my torso that can't be missed. 

I don't look perfect it in but I don't need to and I don't need to own that imperfection either. As Editor of Irish Tatler magazine, Sarah Macken noted in piece in the most recent issue of the aforementioned publication, it is great to see people who provide a beautiful alternative to the traditionally media and societal defined ideal "beach body", but some of us can also just have bodies that are ours and not a political statement. Some of us are out there changing the world but some of us can also just be. So, I'm going to be in my new bikini, around the people who love me; around a mother who is simply glad we are all healthy, a father who is proud that I've taken control of my life, siblings made of almost all the same stuff as me who don't give an eff about how I look. It's not going to be motivational or a statement (because who needs another white, middle-class, able-bodied, cis-gender, conventionally not unattractive woman in her twenties complaining about a little excess fat around her middle or trying to hijack the body-positivity movement that is far more needed, and better represented, by others?!), it's just going to be me on my personal journey, being. 

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Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes: Being The Change And Changing This Blog

Changes are coming...

Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
How the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strange
Ch-ch-changes
Don't want to be a richer (wo)man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strange
Ch-ch-changes
There's gonna have to be a different (wo)man

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Shortly after my last post on here, reports on the state of the planet came out and I had pause to really stop and properly look at myself. I was busy with Bean Magazine, that much is true, but my absence was largely because when I did look at myself, my whole axis shifted and I realised I couldn't go on the same way anymore. Which was probably for the best, anyway, as I had long-since lost my passion for blogging as I was doing it. So, what happened? I faced facts.  The cold, hard facts I had been furiously running to avoid for so long. See, I often consoled myself and said that I was doing enough for the world, that I wasn't as bad as others, wasn't consuming as mindlessly, wasn't creating as much waste, wasn't making as many unethical choices, wasn't blah, blah, blah...

Rewearing and shopping vintage have become cornerstones of my attempts to do better for Mother Earth

It was all excuses and, in some cases, blatant lies to myself. I was living a life that is far, far from sustainable and my main vice was clothing and beauty products. 

But, because of social media, because of blogging, I always had someone to compare it to, others to normalise it, and a whole world of press samples and freebies that made me lose all touch with reality. Micro-bloggers of the world, we really do have a lot to answer for because the gal (or endless gals and guys and other folks) you follow on Insta being no different to you blurs boundaries. You think, "Well, if she's doing that, so can I. If she can afford it...If that's the norm...." and so on. Or you don't actually think that outright, not in so many words, but the endless stream of products and things and clothes being pushed on socials numbs you to what is reasonable. You lose your mind. You want a taste of the nice things you see in lives that seem no different to yours. 

However, there are two things to bear in mind: 1. With gifting, rather than sponsoring, it is hard to know how much someone online can actually afford on a financial level and how much they are receiving. So, from a practical point of view, allowing a perceived standard of lifestyle of others online to set your bar for living is dangerous and not very realistic. 2. Even if you can afford/access this lifestyle of endless consumption: should you? The rampant procuring and tossing aside of things, a mindless pursuit of new shiny things, turning a blind eye to the mark you are making on the environment and lives of workers...are these things glamorous? Are these the lives and standards we should aim for? From my point of view; no, they're not. Because the momentary fix that a bauble offers was hurting my soul. Ignoring what I know is right in favour of what looks pretty in a picture felt good for a second but lingered on my conscience.

So, I changed. 

Vintage loungewear from Space Out Sister, one of my new vintage obsessions...

I rarely buy from the high street now and avoid buying first-hand altogether as much as I can manage. I don't accept nearly as many PR packages as I did before, though they had already calmed down after the madness of the height of Irish blogging that was a few years ago anyway. I shop carefully for groceries, necessities, etc, day-to-day to avoid unnecessary waste and barely generate any anymore. Most importantly, I consider things more. I don't look at things the same way. I treat objects with respect and don't purchase them willy-nilly to be later tossed aside in favour of something else. But I do, of course, acknowledge in all of this the immense privilege in my being able to make these choices financially and practically as I have no dependents to think of and am relatively comfortable in life. 

All of this, of course, put my whole blog into question as it had been. How to blog about beauty if you aren't trying anything new? How to blog about style if you're rarely buying clothes? How to blog full-stop if you aren't focused on things and consumption? 

And these questions, in of themselves, showed how far gone I was because blogging doesn't have to be any of these things. Growing your presence, trying to keep up, trying to be someone, proving you're worthwhile, it all got really tied up with numbers and money and social media. Most bloggers I know have long since abandoned their actual blogs in favour of Instagram. Everything has become a hashtag and homogenous and the same. A race. A game. The picture of a perfect life and person. Commodifying ourselves. And for whom? Brands and companies, using us to make money by churning up this endless need to seem like we're doing okay, to present the world with a smiling, perfectly contoured, spot-free face.

Makeup is not bad, in of itself. Fashion is not innately evil. I still love these things. I still love and admire plenty of other bloggers but I'm done with the rat race and the chaos. I'm done with the soullessness and the craziness. I'm done with being numb and not pausing to think for myself. I also still love blogging and Instagram, for all their flaws, but these things can be used to be creative and unique, not just to sell. I started my blog to showcase my own voice and point of view. I talked about shows I was never going to be invited to just because I loved fashion so much and I had thoughts about them, even if no one else cared or read it. I studied design history so I wanted to apply my knowledge to styling in shows I nerded over. I was simply passionate about the topic, not trying to impress anyone else. I never expected anything. I didn't think I'd be given things or get paid. Of course, my day-job is as a writer, too, now and people doing this as a job need to be able to live but blogging is tied to oneself in an intimate way and all transactions in and out, therefore, should be carefully considered. 

So, after thinking about it for a while, I realised my mistake. I had let that go; that innocent passion, that unique point of view. Which is why I'm returning to my roots and also looking to share my newly renewed passion for being better and more sustainable and more ethical. 

I'm now lucky enough that I do get to go to those shows I once dreamed of and I'll still cover fashion weeks (London Fashion Week is in a fortnight, y'all, and I'll be there as per!) and I do still find personal style fascinating so I'll share outfits and vintage, secondhand, ethical, and sustainable clothing exploits from time to time. Ethical and sustainable beauty is hugely important to me and something I'm always learning more about, so I'll cover that process too, for sure. Mostly, I want to get back into more long-form writing and thematic articles on fashion, culture, society, self-image, and how all of these things intersect. In the coming weeks, you can expect articles on refillable beauty brands, fashion week, getting the most wear of pieces through clever styling, social media and my self-esteem, and much more besides. 

Pieces like high street powder-blue suits won't be among my purchases going forward...

I'm actually really looking forward to WE&B 2.0. I think it will be refreshing for myself, if no one else, more fun to create, and more engaging for you (if anyone is still coming back to this wee blog of mine). 

If you want to see me attempt to remember myself and past convictions, try and get a bit more grounded, and break from the hamster wheel that blogging has become for many, please do come back and check it out. And let me know what you think about all this, too. I'd love to hear from others and if I'm not alone in these frustrations. I've heard it talked about in general but not from anyone directly.

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COS AW16

I spent my lunch on Tuesday hanging out with the wonderful teams from COS and Baluba for the COS AW16 press day. Not only was the setting gorgeous (a dream home on Camden Street over three floors with big windows, a large terrace and perfect kitchen, which had just been renovated) and the food from Cocu Kitchen nutritious and delicious, the collection was one of the best I've seen from them in a while.

This isn't a collection that immediately wows but, rather, is slow-burning, leaving a deeper and longer lasting impression. The rich shades - navy, intense blue, ochre, burgundy, forest green - though common for AW are deeper incarnations that remind of the colours espoused in the Victorian era and perfectly evoke one of the two main trends that run throughout; Everyday Decadence and Rethought Functionality.

Everyday Decadence is expressed through classic forms, which are reworked and reimagined, - a white shirt with many guises, an a-symmetric blazer, half-draped - which combine textures and fabrics for a richer result - unexpected, happy collisions of silk bonded with wool, sheer panels and crisp pleated tailoring - and which sport exaggerated silhouettes - high turtlenecks, extra-long sleeves, a-symmetry, volume, oversizing. Rethought Functionality sees straps, seatbelts and zips reappropriated and used to make it possible to wear garments in multiple ways; layering; durable pieces and, yet, with a slick overall look.

For menswear, there are decadent and layered looks that combine utilitarian and sporty elements; rich colour, textures and prints and updated and pared back classic tailoring. The rich tones of the womenswear are carried over but you also get oatmeal shades and lilacs - softer, prettier notes.

The two wardrobes are mixed and blurred; masculine tailoring is made sensual for womenswear while menswear is made sensuous and given slightly more feminine notes.

Throughout, there are plenty of durable and investment pieces; suits, coats, blazers etc. - cool twists on items that will never be outdated and which are built to last.

In fact, the idea of lasting and sustainability is and underlining theme. Recycled elements are used (such as the seatbelts), garments are made to withstand the years, right down to the press information, which is no longer printed and all put on a USB stick instead.

Personal favourites from the day have to be the accessories, - mittens that look like mini parkas for your hands, detached turtleneck chokers - the silk and wool co-ord with sheer panels, the trouser jumpsuit that looks like a pair of men's trouser extending from chest to toe, the draped forest green suit and the menswear Donegal Tweed coat.

If you're looking for some clothes for life that majorly pay their way or pieces that are elegant without shouting about it, COS AW16 has got you covered.

(All images my own except the lookbook images which are used courtesy of COS)

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The Fashion Week Detox

You may, or may not, have noticed the utter and complete lack of proper reference to any of the fashion weeks this past season on my blog...

Just because you love something, it doesn't mean that it's always easy. They (Shakespeare) say that the course of true love never did run smooth and there are few truer loves in my life than fashion. But it moves at a punishing pace. A pace that can sometimes be hard to sustain.

Originally, I planned not to attend LFW in September because I was busy with family celebrations and full-time writing had made balancing my blog and contributing to various publications difficult. I intended to do what I had done for years and just watch streams and get photos after the fact rather than attend shows in person. However, what began as a small step back from the direct madness of fashion month, turned into my turning my back on it completely for once.

I feel guilty even admitting this. Which is crazy. Almost as if fashion were actually a lover I was neglecting.

It wasn't intentional but I needed a fashion week, and month, detox. I needed to take a breath and gain some perspective instead of ploughing blindly forwards. Because, the thing is, blogging is so competitive that it's easy to forget why you began and to think only of progress, numbers, achievements. And, while I don't make a living from my personal blog, it has turned fashion from something I just consume for fun and out of interest, into something I consider professionally. Which is fine, it's what I want my future to entail but I don't want to get so wrapped up in it again that I lose myself.

I've felt a little lost for a while now. As if I'm doing what is expected. Talking about what will come up in google searches. Writing just to be read and not to say something.

Reviews and events will remain because I'm privileged enough to work with some amazing brands and get opportunities that other bloggers dream of, that I dreamed of once. However, I'm going to try to write talkative pieces, pieces where I think, where I say something, where I fall back in love with fashion. But maybe fashion and I need to have a new relationship, something more mature, a little less slavish. Because more and more, the industry - the lack of sustainability, the waste, the thoughtlessness, the inequalities, the pressures - terrifies me.

I firmly believe that if you love something, you must accept its flaws and choose to continue loving it or leave it behind. You have to love it enough to see past the bad and to see it as the foil to the good. The fashion industry is deeply flawed but design, art, creativity and outstanding humans keep my faith in tact.

Hopefully, this breather will leave me refreshed and ready to better deal with a lifetime of fashion months in a more considered, calm and balanced way.

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Skunkfunk SS15

Skunkfunk is kinda a brand for hippies. And I love that about it.

But, for real though, Skunkfunk is awesome because they try and promote sustainability in design and in their practices. They transport over 95% of their goods by boat in an effort to reduce their carbon footprint, promote transparency in the sources of garments and use recycled materials where possible in packaging and in their clothes themselves. Fabrics such as recycled polyester, organic cotton, linen (which is a renewable natural fibre found in the flax plant, a fast and easy growing herb) and lyocell (made from cellulose originating from eucalyptus wood, using a sustainable close-loop process).

And, in local stores, you can bring ten (clean) items of clothing in for recycling and exchange them for €5.00 store credit. So, if you have your eye on something and have clothes you were going to throw away, this is a way better option - for your wallet and the earth!

As for their SS15 collection, expect lots of colour and prints but with an elegant twist. Everything remains somewhat loose and casual-fitting with a sense of ease about it. There are lots of dresses to choose from for a variety of events and levels of formality, as well as stand-out separates. A definite spring-summer vibe is present but, as always, the brand ensures that nothing is so on trend as to become obsolete in a season. These are clothes to transcend seasons and trends and to last beyond today. The Skunkfunk woman is feminine and vibrant and willing to try something new. She's a little practical but undeniably fun.

If this sounds up your alley, pop by their Blooms Lane store and check it out for yourself! The Dublin store is also home to Smash, another Spanish brand with a similar design aesthetic and ethical concerns, so there's plenty to choose from.

























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Tide-Dye.

We Are Islanders is an Irish design collective made up of a designer, Rosie O'Reilly, a producer, Kate Nolan and a communications expert, Deirdre Hynds. As well as having innovative ideas for design and production, the label is all about sustainability. This intrigued me greatly, the first time I heard about the label, because being kinder to the earth is always something I'm all for. The performative aspect of the label - they dyed some pieces using the tide - and the fact that the A/W 2013 collection debuted in the RHA gallery is also fascinating. I do love when fashion and art collide. Therefore, I was super-excited to receive an email with images and deets on what they've been up to!

4/704 from ALONG CAME A SPIDER on Vimeo.

The pieces below are so amazing and modern and wearable and quietly lovely. I want them all. And I really wish I got this email sooner as black and white is the dress code for my grad in a couple of days - an outfit would have been sorted so much more easily!

Love, love, love.

Find the online store here.